Blue Skies, Tomatoes, and a Baby

The weather today is perfection. Blue skies, warm sun, and cool breezes. Today is the kind of day that makes everyone feel like they too can be a long distance runner, or a farmer, or a sailboat captain, or something outside of their normal identity that demands being outside. I think it was the longing for, and memory of, weather like this that led me to believe that I could be a farmer, or rather a gardener, of our small plot of land behind our Fishtown row house.

As with anything I do, I thought about planting a garden for a good while before I actually took action and did it. This was not time spent in detailed research. I did not plan with great care about what I would plant and when. I didn't read up on the proper strategy for best results. More so, I processed through the reasons (during my cutting board therapy) as to why it would be a good idea and why I was convinced I should do it. Here's what I came up with:

1. The need for purpose.

It is not that I had no purpose prior to the backyard garden. I just had a longing to do something to help make our house a home. You see, my husband has been in the process of remodeling our house. Yes, our whole 3 floor, 4 bedroom house is in one stage of construction or another. It has been an ongoing project with an indefinite timeline. Well, indefinite turned much more definite after the announcement that we would be having a baby within the year. Thus, things have sped up tremendously while I have slowed down incredibly. I don't posses a ton of skill at remodeling but I could take direction from my bearded hubby pretty well - before the baby that is. Now, in my ever growing state of rotundness, I am just not a good right hand (wo)man. I'm slow, uncoordinated, tired all the time, and better kept away from the construction zone for safety of the mother and child.

I want so much to help build our home, to create a comfortable and inviting space for us to live and welcome our family and friends. This time will come, it is just not here today. So, I looked to building a garden in our backyard to fulfill my need to "nest" and to stay out of the way while Carl and his crew work their wonders inside.


2. Fresh spices are amazing.

Nothing beats cooking with fresh, just picked, ingredients. Our kitchen has been filled with the glorious scents of fresh basil, rosemary, and cilantro throughout these warm summer days. I also have a lavender plant out there that I am still discovering how to use. Fresh spices bring life to food in a way that is unparalleled.

Additionally, I get to fulfill one of those visions of the "just right" life. You know how you envision yourself doing things or living a certain lifestyle - maybe because of a story you read or a movie you watch along the way? This is one of those things -walking out your back door to your little oasis in the city to pick fresh spices from your garden in preparation for the elegant and charming dinner party you will soon be hosting. Of course, rarely do I look the part with my comfy clothes, lack of makeup, unkempt hairdo, and present lack of dining room. But, that's okay because it is not about the perfect life - it is about the "just right" life. And, picking fresh herbs out of my backyard in my scrubby clothes, slippers, and ponytail to make dinner for the love of my life seems just right to me.

3. The need for sanctuary.

I love my husband. I love his vision for our home. I love his talent and unparalleled work ethic that is making it happen. I love seeing the glimmer in his eyes as he makes progress, figures out a solution to a challenge, and creates this space for our life together. One day our home is going to be an amazing sanctuary for our new baby, our family, and our friends. This will be because of his dedication and a testimony to the gifts God has given him to create.

One day.

Today, our home is a sanctuary for dust, dust, and more dust. We live day to day in a kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, and office split between three levels. One must be cautious to travel from room to room as there will surely be new booby traps, stray tools, and loose nails strewn about. One also DOES NOT walk barefoot in this house. There are days when I want to scream because it is impossible to keep things clean. Dust and vacuum until your hearts content and less than an hour later it will look like Miss Havisham's house. Carl has been the unfortunate recipient of my occasional meltdown moments where I just can't take it anymore.

Needless to say, I needed a sanctuary and I was determined that the garden would be the answer to this need. It has indeed become an outlet to retreat to when I need a break from power tools, drywall, and saw dust. My husband also needed me to have a sanctuary. I don't know if he knows this or not, but the garden getaway helps me to be a better spouse. I know he is working his tail off and I know he is doing his best. Freaking out about dust does not help the situation or strengthen our marriage. So, to the garden I go. I am better for it, he is better for it, and our marriage is better for it.

4. Nurturing life.

I'm having a baby and this freaks me out. Big time. Yes, I am excited. Yes, I am in awe of the blessing of being a part of creating this precious life. Yes, God is so very good. And, yes, I am freaked out.

I am 28 weeks along and Baby E is always letting me know the he or she is in there - alive and well. Kicking, turning, punching, wiggling - there is life within my own life in a very tangible way. I am overwhelmed at the thought that there are two hearts inside of me, two brains, two souls. One set is mine, the other is part of this little person I get to meet soon. A-mazing. What do I do with this? I mean, emotionally, what do I do with this reality? My answer - freak out.

Okay, so freaking out isn't necessarily bad. Sure, there is a healthy dose of fear in the mix, but also pure joy. It's just I have never felt this intensely out of control over something that is so deeply impacting me and will change life as I know it forever. It's a lot to digest. Freak out justified.

At times I feel so inadequate as I contemplate what it means to be a good mother - to love enough, protect enough, teach enough, nurture enough. The job in front of me seems beyond my capacities. And, it is. And, it should be. When I think I could be a good mother of my own means I am lost and scared. When I remember that God has given me this little life to take care of I remember that He will also provide me with what I need where and when I am incapable. He already has shown me this in so many ways, and most obviously by giving me the "just right" spouse to parent alongside.

While I tend to the plants in the garden, I am nurturing life and I reminded I am not doing it by myself. As I mentioned before, I did not plan, research, or strategize before getting started. I just got my hands in the the dirt, dug some holes, and planted some growing things. I did not provide the sunshine, the fertile soil, the rain, or the bees to pollinate the tomatoes, cucumbers, and pumpkin blossoms. I did not create the amount of time it would take to see things grow, to see little green tomatoes appear. Really, I have not done much. Occasionally pulling out weeds and vines that threaten my green guys, watering with the hose, transplanting when things get to crowded, providing support when things get to big to hold themselves up, and keeping guard of the predators that might munch on my harvest.

I have nurtured the life that is in this garden, but not alone. I am, and will, nurture the life that grows within me, but not on my own. Both have nurtured me, but they too are not alone.

I am learning a great deal from my little garden. Who knew that there are male and female blossoms on a pumpkin vine? The males always fall off and the females will too if not fertilized. (My apologies to the unsuspecting squirrel who I cursed for eating the blossoms. They actually just fell off because they were supposed to.) Other bits of backyard wisdom that are growing in me:

You must have patience for the fruit.

Anticipation is good.

Worry is worthless.

Perfection is pointless. Just right is better.

There is beauty from brokenness.

Seek, find, and create solitude in chaos.

Life is the product of many things.

Go enjoy the blue skies, warm sun, and cool breezes.